Roger and Chaz Ebert-A Marriage To Admire

I was greatly saddened by the the passing of Roger Ebert. I have always been inspired by his bravery, tenacity and zest for life as cancer mercilessly ravaged his body and significantly altered his way of life. I am even more inspired and awed after reading this article from "OMG" in Yahoo News. A remarkable man, a remarkable woman, an inspiring  friendship and marriage. 

For Roger Ebert, there was one person in his life who got a perennial thumbs up: his wife Chaz.

The fabled film critic found the love of his life relatively late in life, after spending most of his adult years as a bachelor (and even once going on a date with Oprah Winfrey). The woman he'd marry at age 50 would become his best friend and life partner right away, and after Ebert's cancer diagnosis more than a decade ago, would become his liaison to concerned fans (often using humor to share bad news) and the rock he leaned on throughout his illness, until the day he died.

“I am devastated by the loss of my love, Roger -- my husband, my friend, my confidante and oh-so-brilliant partner of over 20 years,” Chaz said via a statement on Thursday. “We had a lovely, lovely life together, more beautiful and epic than a movie. It had its highs and the lows, but was always experienced with good humor, grace and a deep abiding love for each other."

So who was Chaz Ebert and why was her relationship with Roger so special? Read on for a peek inside their marriage.

The scoop on Chaz Hammelsmith Ebert.
Chaz is a Chicago native and received a B.A. from the University of Wisconsin at Madison and got her law degree from Chicago's DePaul College of Law, eventually working as a litigator at the law firm of Bell, Boyd, and Lloyd. She married an electrical engineer and had two children, divorcing after 17 years of marriage.

It was love at first sight … or at least second.
According to Roger, he was dining with Eppie Lederer, better known as advice columnist Ann Landers, after an AA meeting in 1989 (he first sought help for alcohol dependency 10 years earlier) and Ebert went to say hello to a couple of people he knew at a nearby table, who happened to be dining with trial attorney Chaz Hammelsmith. "I didn't know her, but I'd seen her before and was attracted. I liked her looks, her voluptuous figure, and the way she presented herself. She took a lot of care with her appearance and her clothes never looked quickly thrown together," Roger wrote in a blog post for the Chicago Sun-Times in July 2012, to mark their 20^th wedding anniversary. "She seemed to be holding the attention of her table. You never get anywhere with a woman you can't talk intelligently with."

Roger fell hard on their first date.
"She had a particular quality. She didn't seem to be a 'date' but an equal. She knew where she stood, and I found that attractive," he shared in the piece. "I was going out to Los Angeles a few days later, and I asked her to come along. We formed a serious bond rather quickly. It was an understood thing. I was in love, I was serious, I was ready for my life to change."

The couple in 2000. (Brenda Chase/Stringer/Getty Images)

She wooed him with her … grammar?
Both Chaz and Roger have talked about how, during the early days of their relationship the two would write love letters in the form of daily emails to each other. "Her love letters were poetic, idealistic and often passionate," he recalled. "I responded as a man and a lover. As a newspaperman, I observed she never, ever, made a copy-reading error."

Chaz quit her law job after they married so she could join Roger during his frequent travels, but would eventually become vice president of the Ebert Company.
Roger insisted it wasn't just a title, and just the business mind he needed to counter his. "She organized my contracts, protected my interests, negotiated, wheeled and dealed. I've never understood business and have no patience with business meetings or legal details," Roger wrote in the 2012 Sun-Times post. "I had a weakness for signing things just to make them go away. She observed this, and defended me. It was a partnership."

After Ebert had part of his jaw removed in 2006, the couple chose to eat their meals separately.
"I don't like to eat in front of him because it just seems kind of cruel," Chaz said during a 2010 interview on "The Oprah Winfrey Show." "He prefers to [have meals] private." Ebert had to be fed through an IV drip four times a day.

After her husband’s hip fracture late last year, Chaz kept fans in the loop with humor.
"Roger in hospital with hip fracture (tricky disco dance moves) but he is doing well, asking for computer, will probably tweet," she tweeted on December 7, followed a day later by, "Roger Sweetie, lets heal that fracture and get you Dancing With The Stars as soon as possible." She also expressed frustration a few weeks later: "Hospitals have up and down days. This is a down day, intense PT, but Roger is making progress. Fractured hip a bitch," she wrote alongside a younger photo of Roger.

Towards the end, the couple created a language of signals.
After his cancer robbed him of the ability to use his voice, Chaz was constantly by Ebert's side to help him communicate. While he often wrote notes, he used different hand signals to explain what he wanted, as demonstrated during the Oprah segment. He had a signal for asking Chaz to read to others from his notepad, one for requesting a trip to the men's room, and there was one signal, Chaz explained that had "a lot of meaning." When Roger placed his right hand on his heart in front of his wife, it meant, "I love you."

The Times They ARE A-Changing

I found this article (written last year) to be very interesting, and also made a lot of sense!  Toward the end of the article the tip on hitchswitch.com is a great one. Check out the site if you are needing help with a name change! On a personal note, Karen's nephew was recently given an "engagement ring" by his girlfriend. He was delighted! They will be married this spring, as far as I know they are both keeping their names, but I have a hunch he would have no problem hyphenating his. Either way they love and respect each other and they will have a wonderful union, no matter who is wearing what ring or what name they share, if any!

From Galtime.com

More Men Taking Their WIVES' Last Name

By Mary Schwager, Consumer Watchdog

If you’re one of the 2 million people who will get hitched this year, listen up-- some of the traditonal aspects of marriage are changing quickly!

First we told you how a growing number of men are starting to wear “mangagement rings” (male engagement rings.) Now we’ve learned there's a new trend on the rise: Men in the US are taking their wife’s last name, or hyphenating it with their own. 

Taking the Name Change Plunge 

Mark Tyler is "man enough" to admit to GalTime that he actually did all of the above. Mark wore a mangagement ring during his engagement, and soon after he and his bride Carol Tyler got married last January, Mark took his wife's last name. He started the ceremony as Mark Harper and ended it as Mark Tyler. The minister even announced, “Here come the Tylers” as they made their way down the aisle.

Mark says he’s proud. “Shortly before the wedding I decided to make the change. She (Carol) was stunned. Actually, she asked me to reconsider, that it was cool with her for me not to change. But I told her it was too late, and then she said GREAT!”

The couple started talking about it before they got married and decided it was important they both have the same last name so their children would as well.  According to Mark, Carol said, "If we all have the same last name, why can't it be mine?"

She said it as a joke, but I told her that I'd think about it seriously. So I did. And then I found myself in the position of the typical female. Hyphenate? Too bulky. Keep my name? But then we'd have different family names. Take her name? Yowww. Big blow to the male ego.”

In the end Mark says he thought about Carol’s career. “She is well established in her career and I am not. Our plan is for her to be the primary breadwinner and me to be the primary parent. So, "Carol Tyler" is a well established professional while "Carol Harper" is who? I don't have the same dynamic going from Harper to Tyler.”

Gayle Brandeis and her husband did the name swap for the same reasons when they got married: Kids and career. “It is a second marriage for both of us. I had kept my name with my first marriage as well, and my kids from my first marriage have long hyphenated last names. I was pregnant when my current husband and I married, and we liked the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name. I had already established myself as an author with my name, and he felt no particular loyalty to his father's last name, so now my hudband is a Brandeis, as is our son.”

How Many Are Doing The Reverse Name Swap?

The Centers for Disease Control and the Social Security Administration says it doesn’t track these types of name swaps. But an up and coming company called Hitchswitch, which offers newlyweds “a one stop shopping name changing service for a fee” has some interesting numbers.

CEO Jake Wolff says they’ve helped about two thousand couples change their names since June 2011-- and 5 percent of those clients have been men. Out of that five percent about three percent of men take their wife’s last name and the remaining two percent create a hybrid or hyphenate their last name.

Jake says he’s seeing this trend increase. “Even though Q1 of 2012 has just started, we have seen an increase in the number of males taking a hybrid name.”

Jake polled his male name changing clients for GalTime on why they went against the name grain and they all told him, “The overwhelming majority told me that their wives did not understand why they had to follow the ‘age-old’ tradition of changing their name to the name of their groom, and asked their groom to change his name.”

Mark says when he told people about his untraditional name change a majority of the responses were actually negative. “As for the man card issue, I get it. I guess that in many ways I have turned in my man card. Of course, I treat the whole man card thing as a joke in the first place. It's a satirical term that, to me, describes a physically grown man who has the mind and interests of an adolescent.”

Happily Ever After

The Tylers and the Brandeis' all report they’re still very happy with their choices. Their kids have the same last name, and all is well in nameville. Mark gushes, “I'm so proud to be a Tyler. My wife absolutely rocks and our family is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.”

Jake Brandeis sums it all up quite nicely from his informal customer poll of men who handed in their man card with class. “The grooms told me that they did this because the couple was starting a new life together, and their new name was their new identity. They saw it as a great compromise.”

And The Oscar Representing The Most Real Relationship Goes To.....

Every year the Academy Awards are a big event at our house. We act as though we all have a personal stake in who wins, what movie gets what-silly I know. But it is fun, and it does encourage us to see a lot of movies. And sometimes the movies are provocative and cause us to reflect more on our own lives, what we cherish, what we take for granted. And when a theme or content is thought-provoking I credit the movie as being worthwhile, even if it isn't stellar.
For us, this year was a good year for movies. We found many of them to be engaging and "thought provoking." As Karen and I talked about the "year in review" it occured to me that three of them were based on relationships ranging over the generations-young (Silver Lining Playbook), middle-aged (This Is Forty) and senior (Quartet). Though all very different in many aspects, all had universal elements we could relate to. Silver Lining Playbook brought together a young couple, each challenged by their own troubled nature, finding a common basis for their friendship. They exchange favors and face a challenge that requires a commitment from each of them, carrying it to fruition is exhilarating as well as bonding. Experiences we can all relate to and appreciate. Accepting parts of difficult personalities but also appreciating and empathizing with each others similarities were also universal components of the film and of all successful relationships.
This Is Forty tackled a relationship in "middle age." Kids are getting older and the needs and time warp of infants and toddlers and now gone. The social scene that once may have propelled a romantic relationship has somehow died during those startup years of parenthood and getting a business going. Re-establishing a relationship with each other that has those elements of spontaneity, intensity and attraction are all issues that surface in this comedic movie.
Quartet is a poignant film that, amongst many other things deals with an estranged couple who rediscover each other at a retirement home for aged musicians.  Their love and attraction for one another never faded after their divorce, however their animosity for each other camouflaged their true feelings, even to themselves. Woven throughout the movie are themes of rejection, anger, misunderstanding and with-held emotions.  All elements that anyone involved in a relationship can relate to.
For us seeing movies are always an entertaining diversion. When they also encourage conversation, reflection and even self-discovery (either for oneself or as a couple) they are certainly worth the price of admission. And seeing them before the Oscars makes the show SO much more interesting- When I hear  "....and the Oscar goes to...." I actually know who they are talking about! Bring them on!

Reflections on Marriage, Memorials and Memories

Stones placed in the sand in the shape of a heart by memorial guests at Montaña de Oro, California 'RocNRev' Michael Taylor Presiding

I began 2013 presiding over a memorial service. Some might think this a depressing way to begin a new year. As I thought about it I realized for me it was not necessarily so.

A marriage begins with vows the couple takes; as a wedding officiant I get to be part of this beginning. I start couples on what I hope to be a wonderful path of commitment, growth and love, taking on different shapes along the way.  It is my hope that their wedding day is the first step toward a long, fulfilling, adventure filled marriage that can meet challenges, experience joy and is ever evolving, growing and renewing. To me this can be the definition of a successful marriage.

When a marriage ends because one partner passes away it is devastating for the one left behind.  The sadness and grief  the widow or widower has is of course beyond comprehension. However the reflection on their experiences as a couple, the hurdles they have mastered, the families they may have nurtured, are all successes that will never die. Together they have created a history and a life that will always be remembered, cherished and carried in the hearts of the survivors. And through the sadness and grief there can be some solace there.

As I preside over a memorial I am cognizant  of all these things and must remember the cycle of life. I recognize that with the joy eventually comes the sadness. I think this idea is extremely well stated in this quote by David Weatherford:
"We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness."

In this case we experience sadness because we have known joy. I reflect on how very lucky we are to have done so. For this reason I begin 2013 with a reaffirmation of life, marriage and commitment.

The Empty Chair-Montaña de Oro, California • 'RocNRev' Michael Taylor Presiding

A New Year-A New Life Together!

Lot's of reasons to get married on New Year's Eve-of course there's the age-old tax advantages, but on a more festive and meaningful note-what better way to celebrate the end of a great year and the starting of a new one! As you ring out the old year you are also embarking on a new one as a married couple with dreams, aspirations and  new life together. Having exchanged vows and pledges  to each other you begin a new journey as the new year unfolds, and every year you get to do this again! New Year's Eve becomes an event in your lives that not only signifies a new beginning, but also a new opportunity to renew and revitalize your love and devotion to one another. This can be celebrated as a party for friends and family or a romantic and private evening for just the two of you. Either way, New Year's Eve is definitely a fun and meaningful holiday to set as a wedding date! (photo by Jenna McKenzie Photography)

A Whole Lotta Twelves!

What a fun day to get married on, and in addition never have to worry about remembering the date of your anniversary! I am officiating a wedding on this date and to complete the "dozens" the event is scheduled for 12:12 PM.  Pretty great!

This article was published in USA TODAY by Janice Lloyd.

Weddings, concerts and mass meditations are planned for the last alliteration date this century.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• Thousands are lining up to get married on the easy to remember date

5:23PM EST December 11. 2012 - The clock's a tickin' to make plans for 12-12-12. It is the last repeating-number date of the century, and just possibly holds a bit of magic.

At least that seems to be the thinking of people the world over who have circled the date on their calendars, to walk down the aisle, go to a Bruce Springsteen-Bon Jovi benefit concert for Superstorm Sandy victims in New York or meditate with the masses for world peace in Auckland, New Zealand.

For thousands wanting to tie the knot, it's just the beginning. Ever forget your anniversary, just the single most important day of your life?

That likely will not happen for people getting married on the memorable 12-12-12. Dozens of scenarios are unfolding across the USA to help people get to the courthouse on time:

-- In Los Angeles, the county clerk's office is expanding hours and allowing people to apply online for licenses ahead of time.

-- In Seattle, many same-sex couples seized the day 12-9-12, the first chance they were legally allowed to get hitched, but others opted to say "I do" on 12-12-12 instead.

-- In Fort Myers Beach, Fla., the really hard core can get married at 12:12 on 12-12-12 in what the American Academy of Wedding Planners is calling the "wedding event of the century." For $500, you get a marriage license, an individualized wedding ceremony and entrance to a day of festivities.

"Iconic dates have become a wedding trend in the United States, reaching new heights when over 65,000 couples tied the knot on 7-7-'07," says Brian Beitler, chief marketing officer for David's Bridal.

But if you've got cold feet, he says, you can always wait for the next easy-to-remember anniversary, 11-12-13. That date already is being chosen for weddings by many brides.

When the numbers line up for Abbigail Smith, she's blowing out the candles. She told The Grand Rapids Press in Michigan that she has been waiting to celebrate turning 12 on 12-12-12 ever since she was 6.

The number 12-12 is one of the combinations that can bring good luck and fortune in China. According to the South China Morning Post, many private doctors are being booked for Caesarean births. The reason, it says: Dec. 12 stands for love, but a greater urgency to have children was felt on 11-11-11 (eternal love) and 10-10-10 (perfection).

Die-hard fans of the number 12 -- dubbed "dozenalists" -- say the real time to celebrate is 2016 because they are counting in base 12. The rest of us learn to count in base 10. That new year will be huge to the dozenalists.

"Decimal year 2016 will be dozenal year 1200, which we're all really looking forward to," says Donald Goodman, president of The Dozenal Society of America.

Others can't stop imagining what comes next. On Twitter, @Jin_Campbell wrote: "Tomorrow At 12 mins,12 secs after 12 o' clock on Dec 12th, the time will be 12:12:12,12/12/12 & 12 days before Christmas."

Wedding Proposals-Keeping Up With The Times?

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When It Comes To Proposals We're Stuck In The Past

 

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I found this article was quite interesting. As an officiant I have discovered that whoever seems to be doing the "asking," proposals are getting more and more inventive. So whoever you are, be sure to include a little creativity, romance and fun!
Reprinted from The Huffington Post:
According to research released earlier this year, NO ONE wants a woman to propose. A new study conducted by the University of California, Santa Cruz found that none of the 277 heterosexual college students surveyed wanted a marriage proposal in which the woman asked the man to marry her. In fact, two-thirds of the students responded that they'd "definitely" want the man to propose, and 2.8 percent of women said they'd "kind of" want to propose. But no male or female participant said they'd "definitely" want the woman to propose.  The students were allowed to explain their answers, and graduate student researcher Rachael Robnettt told Live Science that the students often cited a desire to adhere to traditional gender role.  Women gave romance, fearing rejection and being seen as coming on too strong as reasons for their traditional preferences. The study also asked students their thoughts on changing their name after marriage. Though the responses were more diverse than those on proposals, traditional gender roles held strong.  Three-fifths of men said they would prefer to keep their name, and three-fifths of women said they were willing to change theirs.  Robnett said men and women who expressed benevolent sexism, in which people believe women should be protected and given special treatment, were more likely to adhere to marriage traditions.

The Marriage of George and Lena

Meet George and Lena-we adopted both dogs from rescue agencies in the Los Angeles area. Though in the canine world "marriage" doesn't really exist, we like to think of our pair as having some of the same relationship dynamics their human counterparts do. They have to keep a balance and coexist yet also have a symbiotic relationship. In a successful canine relationship (as in human ones!) they respect each other, provide affection and loyalty, and are good companions. Additionally (and as with humans), when one of the partners dies their absence is felt acutely. A grieving process begins that is both difficult and painful.

We found George in the spring of 2009 as a companion for our other dog Peanut. Sadly, Peanut suffered a massive stroke and died without warning last December 2011. Her passing left Karen and me quite shaken and bereft, not to mention the devastating impact it had on ten year old  George. Their relationship, though often aloof and remote, had a unique affection and dynamic  for both.  We realized though it was probably sooner than we were quite ready, we needed to find him a new companion and partner.

Enter Lena, a four year old French Bull Dog. Lena, having had previous health issues that left her abandoned at a shelter, was fortunately rescued by a foster home. A friend had alerted us of her situation. We reluctantly went to see her.

When we met Lena we immediately realized that though she was diminutive in size, her heart was overflowing with love-and apparently we were ready recipients. She also seemed sensitive to George's idiosyncrasies. She was immediately smitten with him and he simply couldn't play his usual nonchalant and removed self. He related to her in a different way than he had to Peanut. He allowed her to groom him, be the instigator for snuggling, she even cajoled him into playing.

Through time their relationship has delightfully evolved and grown.  Though it will never be the same as with Peanut, it certainly has a character of it's own.  Lena has definitely impacted George's  life (as well as Karen's and mine!) She's made it more complete, happier, interesting and helped to patch the hole in our hearts left by Peanut's passing.

We were very lucky to find Lena. We were all luckier still to be able to take that step forward to love again. We will never forget Peanut, how much she enriched our lives and how much we loved her. Through that love came the strength and ability to love again. Thank you Peanut. George thanks you, too.